There's one on every corner, every street of every town
One house that is different, trying to stand out
Looks down on their neighbours, Lord and Lady Muck
Thinks people are jealous, but they don't give a fuck

'Cos they could be so happy just embracing what they've got
Spending all they haven't to be something that they're not
They're hard working people, but they love to show off
Can't afford the real thing, so most of it's knock off

Stone lions in the garden don't make a stately home
Columns on the porch won't build the Parthenon
The Crystal Palace wasn't made from uPVC
Kew Gardens isn't filled with a massive trampoline

Knows the price of everything, the value of none
Nothing's ever subtle, it's all overdone
All they ever seem to do is spend, spend, spend
Don't want to be the best, just better than their friends

Dreaming of a centrefold in OK magazine
Their superheroes are called Wayne and Coleen
Two perfect people living their best lives
Looking down at plebs and sharpening their knives

Stone lions in the garden don't make a stately home
Columns on the porch won't build the Parthenon
The Crystal Palace wasn't made from uPVC
Kew Gardens isn't filled with a massive trampoline

Botox, fake boobs and faker smiles
Embassy number 1 and Chanel number 5
A faux fur coat and a leopard print ass
All goes to prove where there's muck, there's brass

Looks into the mirror, sees a real man's man
With his hairdresser's car and a creosote tan
A tribal tattoo and big gold chains
Anabolic steroids and grapefruit vape

Stone lions in the garden don't make a stately home
Columns on the porch won't build the Parthenon
The Crystal Palace wasn't made from uPVC
Kew Gardens isn't filled with a massive trampoline

Stone lions in the garden don't make a stately home
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
The neighbours all think that you're a pain in the ass
'cos you've got all the money, but you can't buy class

Venus De Milo's not made from reconstituted stone
Buckingham Palace doesn't have a La-Z-Boy throne
Nobody tried to pebbledash the Walls of Jericho
Stone lions in a cul-de-sac don't make a stately home

Some people want love, but they just crave attention
The façade as false as the one on their extension
Her personal trainer and his girl on reception
There's plenty of sex, but bugger all affection

She wants to feel wanted, he wants to be alone.
Every wall tells them to Keep Calm And Carry On
A glossy tacky palace is all they are proud of
The last thing that they do in life is Live, Laugh, Love

Stone lions in the garden don't make a stately home
Columns on the porch won't build the Parthenon
The Crystal Palace wasn't made from uPVC
Kew Gardens isn't filled with a massive trampoline

Stone lions in the garden don't make a stately home
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
The neighbours all think that you're a pain in the ass
'cos you've got all the money, but you can't buy class

“Spending all they haven’t to be something that they’re not”

“This ended up being more beat-poetry than a song. I always end up writing far too many lyrics, and I made life really difficult for myself with a song with 719 syllables that I’ve go to sing with a stammer! I still can’t play guitar or bass live and sing this at the same time, there’s just too much going on in my brain!.

The inspiration came from a trip to Devon, they were putting up this new “executive” housing estate in a lovely area, but every house had these tacky Doric columns on the front holding up the porch, the kind that were straight out of the 1970s. I stopped off at garden centre, and there were pallets of stone lions in a row, ready to grace somebody’s garden.

I really didn’t want this song to come across as slagging off honest people who work really hard to make the best lives they can for themselves and their families. I have huge admiration for people who do that, if you want a stone lion, you have one, you’ve earned it! The song’s about another group of people…

In every neighbourhood, there’s one household that just have to go one better than everybody else, the ones with all of the money and none of the taste. They don’t buy things to make themselves happy, they do it to make their neighbours miserable, patting themselves on the back and taking great delight in telling others how much their latest purchase cost, when people are struggling to get by. Things aren’t always rosy as they appear on the surface, and sometimes it’s all just a front.”